Dear Miley –

It has come to my attention lately that you are trying (desperately, some would say) to transition from a Disney Channel pop tart into a full fledged media magnet pop star. You seem to be using the Britney Spears Method, which of course involves being as completely inappropriate and sexy as you can, in the hopes that you will shake off your younger fans who hang your Hannah Montana posters on their walls and trade them in for 20-somethings who will bump and grind to your hits at da club. Accordingly, I consider Finn and myself to be your new target audience; we listen to pop music in the car and when pregaming for a night on the town (which to Finn and I means pounding beers at our local dive bar while people-watching), and since we actually work for a living, we can theorically afford to buy your songs on ITunes. As a favor to you, Ms. Cyrus, Finn and I have compiled a few things you could do (and STOP doing) in order to make us like you. You’re welcome.

She's just being Miley.

1.) STOP TRYING TO BE BRITNEY. In the name of all things holy, please stop trying to be the “next” Britney. I was a high school cheerleader during Britney’s hayday, so I will forever have a soft spot for her in my heart. That said, she is a what-not-to-do lesson for the ages. Her parents threw her into the entertainment business when she was way t0o young (sound familiar?), she was overly sexualized when she was probably too young to even understand her own sexuality (ahem?), and ultimately found that her supposedly supportive parents were maybe a little too blinded by the limelight for their own good (I’m looking at you, Mr. Achey-Brakey-Mullet). Why you think you should step foot onto this path – which ultimately led to not one but two divorces, several trips to rehab, and being forcefully taken in by the state of California for a mental health analysis – is beyond me. Please find your own way of doing things – hopefully it won’t involve an episode in which you are bald and attacking the papparazzi with an umbrella [pintje].

2.) DOWNLOAD THE BLUEPRINT. You mentioned in an interview that even though one of your bigger hits includes the lyric “and the Jay-Z song was on,” it wasn’t specifically about any Jay-Z song. I’m sorry, what? Virtually any Jay-Z song that comes on the radio ought to make you get down. The problem, the interview goes on to show, is that you can’t even name a Jay-Z song. Sigh. Please download The Blueprint. Listen. Learn it. Love it [finn].

3.) STOP DRESSING LIKE A HOBO. You make more money than Pintje and I combined (even if you also combine it with all of our friends and probably all of the people we’ve ever met. sad.) but consistently leave the house looking like your plan for the day is panhandling at Skid Row. I know you’re rebellious and like totally rock and roll but the fact that you probably paid an inordinate amount of money for this “look” just makes you stupid. Be smarter with your money girl. There is a chance – though you are in denial – that it won’t last forever (see Exhibits A , B, and C). In case you are wondering which outfits I’m talking about, take a gander [finn]:

SHIRT FAIL.

4.) DO MORE PERFORMANCES LIKE THIS: If you regularly preformed as you did at this year’s VH1 Divas Live event, I would be proud to call myself a fan. Though the whole “Divas Live!” thing is overdone (and sort of silly without Whitney or Cher present, am I right?), you and Sheryl Crow prevailed with a really fun and fresh rendition of “If It Makes You Happy.” You even sang the lyric “It’s OK – I still get stoned / I’m not the kind of girl you take home” and no one so much as lifted an eyebrow. Why? Because unlike every other zany thing you have done since the inception of your  ‘career,’ it wasn’t a calculated move to earn some grown up street cred. It was just a line from a great, great Crow song. And it was well delivered [pintje].

5.) STOP DATING INAPPROPRIATELY. I would love to see you date a nice, age-appropriate boy. Or be single. Basically, I will welcome any change from the path you have set out on. You began by dating a Jonas Brother, which was sort of hilarious due to their purity rings and your penchant for knee high leather boots, and then moved onto an adult underwear model. In case you are wondering why you should move on from such lovable losers, please see Point One [pintje].

6.) DO KEEP MAKING  GOOD FUN MUSIC. Take away the pole-dancing on ice cream trucks and shorts so short they should be illegal, and your listeners will be forced to realize that you produce some catchy songs. To anyone who disagrees, you ought to challenge them to watch this video without smiling, and without humming the tune for the next day or two. Impossible. It’s a great song, and you’ve got some pipes on you! Everybody loves a good, harmless pop song. Ms. Cyrus, if you play your cards right, those songs just might come from you [pintje].

We will anxiously wait and see if you heed our unsolicited career advice. No, I’m kidding, you will definitely break these rules, and we will definitely continue to tease. It’s what we do!!

Hugs&Kisses,

Pintje and Finn

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