There’s nothing funny about downsizing, and there’s really nothing funny about downsizing police officers. Having said that, I found an interesting article today that involves the downsizing of police officers in Oakland, California, and am making it the topic of a way overdue Pintje post. Deal with it.

As the result of letting 80 policemen and women go due to budget constraints, the city’s remaining officers will not respond to the following situations:

  • burglary
  • theft
  • embezzlement
  • grand theft
  • grand theft:dog
  • identity theft
  • false information to peace officer
  • required to register as sex or arson offender
  • dump waste or offensive matter
  • discard appliance with lock
  • loud music
  • possess forged notes
  • pass fictitious check
  • obtain money by false voucher
  • fraudulent use of access cards
  • stolen license plate
  • embezzlement by an employee (over $ 400)
  • extortion
  • attempted extortion
  • false personification of other
  • injure telephone/ power line
  • interfere with power line
  • unauthorized cable tv connection
  • vandalism
  • administer/expose poison to another’s

Wha? I can understand them putting neighborhood squabbles about loud hip hop music at the bottom of their list of priorities – but burglary? This is terrifying! DrudgeReport linked to this article with a headline like “License To Commit Crime in Oakland!” or something equally sensational, so I hope this does not become a complete haven for crime before they get this budget problem solved.

However, if this does become such a haven, I have a solution. My friend and I have a buddy who happens to be in the police academy in California right this very minute. Since Oakland is on the brink of near lawlessness, we propose he heads up to that area with the intention of being the “new sheriff in town.” He can be the sole enforcer of the aforementioned 44 offenses! Obviously, in doing this, he should arrive with a camera crew in tow, to record footage as part of an upcoming reality show.

So, Andy Cohen, I’m sure you read my blog and will  greenlight this idea. I’ve already done most of the leg work for you (you’re welcome). My friend can be the new Dog: The Bounty Hunter, only not as hardcore or racist. I’ve already come up with a catchy slogan you can use for bumper stickers or shirts at your merch store: “Hey California: EXTORT THIS.” And not that I’m proposing we do this as some sort of scripted reality show, but I can just about guarantee that my buddy will drop the following line in the first episode: “”Do you know what they do to punks like you that discard appliances with locks, in prison?” You can take that to the bank.