Fail


It’s just not me, right? They’re starting to look alike? I feel like it’s why Ben grew the beard.

This Saturday capped off a week-long celebration of the birth of my roommate. It included a soccer game, a baseball game and a delicious lunch with not one but two incredible desserts. It also included a trip to her favorite bar where, in true fashion, she danced the night away. I am not a dancer. This graph accurately depicts my relationship with dancing:

Let me apologize, by the way, for my 5th grader approach to the graph. I have the technological understanding of an AARP member, and my big sister inherited all of the family art skills.

If anything gets me to break it down, beside liquid courage (or, often, accompanied by liquid courage), it’s the following three songs. They are my kryptonite.

1.)  Little Secrets by Passion Pit

Passion Pit has been around for a little while, but I just recently got into them. Mainly, I used to have a pretentious approach to electronic music that I no longer hold. Besides, any song that includes the talent of P.S. 22 in their chorus is OK by me. Listening to this song, not only can I not resist breaking into spontaneous dance, I can hardly keep from smiling:

2.) I Don’t Feel Like Dancing by the Scissor Sisters

Man oh man do I love this song. Scissor Sisters are such a fun band and every part of this song is so carefree that you get the feeling that there’s no wrong way to bust a move to it. Which is perfect since my signature move is (inexplicably) one hand over my head while making a kissy face.

3.) We Are Golden s by Mika

More Eurotrash! This music video shows that Mika is aware that his music lends itself to dancing around in one’s bedroom in one’s underwear. Keep living the dream, Mika.

I have great friends, and I have great readers (and to be honest there is a lot of overlap  between the two). This morning, for instance, I had an email from friend and occasional commentator Hollywood with the subject “Emergency Blog Post.” Accompanying a link was the following message: “It doesn’t even have to be a long post.  Just the words STOP and that picture with a circle and line.”

What, you ask, would inspire such impending sense of doom? Feast your eyes on this:

MAKE IT STOP.

There it is. After months and months of assuring myself that the Justin Bieber Phenomeon was a passing fade, not worthy of a Pintje post, he shows up in the pages of Elle Magazine. ELLE MAGAZINE! In the name of all that is holy, I feel some discussion is necessary.

For those of you still unaware of who Justin Bieber is (Mom and Dad I am looking at you), he’s a 16 year old pop singer from Canada who, armed with catchy pop songs and an enjoyable singing voice, has somehow worked his way into semi-legitimate hip hop channels. He also looks like a lesbian.

To be fair, he’s annoying in the same way all other ojects of tween affection have been. Only, Donny Osmond and the Hanson brothers were thankfully not alive in the age of 24/7 media. Accordingly, “The Biebs” as he is semi-affectionately called, is everywhere. As the aforementioned Elle Magazine featurette makes painfully obvious, people with the power to stop this choose not to, and so his reign over pop culture continues. My only saving grace here is that he appears in the spread with Kim Kardashian, and not someone that anyone takes seriously. Ms. Kardashian, of course, is famous solely for being rich and having a “leaked” sex tape with an old boyfriend. She now has a reality show where she relents what it’s like to have a demanding life, without ever once explaining (or showing!) what it is she does every day.

One good thing to come from the Justin Bieber / information superhighway mix is summarized in his Wikipedia page (via an entire section) as “target for criticism and pranksters.” (Tip of the hat to my good friend and fellow blogger Gastronomiquelle for finding that one!). Possibly my favorite of these pranks was the now infamouus Send Justin Bieber to North Korea stunt. As a promotion for his upcoming “My World Tour,” fans were encouraged to vote for which country, of about 30, the young singer was to visit next. I bet you can guess which totalitarian dictatorship won!

Finally, for all those of you who think it’s petty to pick on a 16 year old;

1. I have already established that I’m not above it, and

2. As long as I pay for my lunch in change while this kid drives his Ferrari to hang out with P.Diddy, petty will be my middle name.

There’s nothing funny about downsizing, and there’s really nothing funny about downsizing police officers. Having said that, I found an interesting article today that involves the downsizing of police officers in Oakland, California, and am making it the topic of a way overdue Pintje post. Deal with it.

As the result of letting 80 policemen and women go due to budget constraints, the city’s remaining officers will not respond to the following situations:

  • burglary
  • theft
  • embezzlement
  • grand theft
  • grand theft:dog
  • identity theft
  • false information to peace officer
  • required to register as sex or arson offender
  • dump waste or offensive matter
  • discard appliance with lock
  • loud music
  • possess forged notes
  • pass fictitious check
  • obtain money by false voucher
  • fraudulent use of access cards
  • stolen license plate
  • embezzlement by an employee (over $ 400)
  • extortion
  • attempted extortion
  • false personification of other
  • injure telephone/ power line
  • interfere with power line
  • unauthorized cable tv connection
  • vandalism
  • administer/expose poison to another’s

Wha? I can understand them putting neighborhood squabbles about loud hip hop music at the bottom of their list of priorities – but burglary? This is terrifying! DrudgeReport linked to this article with a headline like “License To Commit Crime in Oakland!” or something equally sensational, so I hope this does not become a complete haven for crime before they get this budget problem solved.

However, if this does become such a haven, I have a solution. My friend and I have a buddy who happens to be in the police academy in California right this very minute. Since Oakland is on the brink of near lawlessness, we propose he heads up to that area with the intention of being the “new sheriff in town.” He can be the sole enforcer of the aforementioned 44 offenses! Obviously, in doing this, he should arrive with a camera crew in tow, to record footage as part of an upcoming reality show.

So, Andy Cohen, I’m sure you read my blog and will  greenlight this idea. I’ve already done most of the leg work for you (you’re welcome). My friend can be the new Dog: The Bounty Hunter, only not as hardcore or racist. I’ve already come up with a catchy slogan you can use for bumper stickers or shirts at your merch store: “Hey California: EXTORT THIS.” And not that I’m proposing we do this as some sort of scripted reality show, but I can just about guarantee that my buddy will drop the following line in the first episode: “”Do you know what they do to punks like you that discard appliances with locks, in prison?” You can take that to the bank.

After my last post on childhood games that are fun to play drunk, I realized that I omitted a Public Service Announcement that I feel owe to my readers. This PSA comes in the form of the WikiPedia page for Action Park, NJ. Allow this Wiki to serve as concrete evidence that sometimes alcohol does not make things that are fun exponentially more fun. For instance, I have to assume that whoever designed this engineering marvel that for many people marks Action Park’s legacy did so under the influence:

SLIDE FAIL.

For those of you who grew up outside of New Jersey (or grew up in the great state, but not in the ’80’s), Action Park was much like the well-known Six Flags Great Adventure, only slightly less expensive, and it provided its patrons with easy access to alcohol. So, while Six Flags lived to see the day it could create that awful fake old man who dances in the commercials, Action Park was forced to close its doors based on the number of lawsuits it received. In fact, it earned so many civil suits it was awarded the nickname “Class Action Park.”

I can’t do this park justice, so you really just need to read the Wikipedia page. There are few things that I get a greater kick out of than a really good Wikipedia page. Wiki is already warning us that this page “has a number of issues” and “has been nominated to be checked for neutrality.” In other words, come get it before it gets shut down by The Man! You can thank me later.

Feel free to post choice excerpts in the comments, y’all.